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Just a quick thought-

If those who wait on the Lord are never put to shame…

If God avenges those who wait…

If He acts on behalf of those who wait…

…then there is power in the waiting.

Waiting on the Lord, as weak and as foolish as it may look or feel, is maybe the most effective, powerful thing we can do. I mean, seriously, in light of the list above, I can’t think of anything that would wreak more havoc against the kingdom of darkness than a bunch of believers waiting on God.

By waiting I don’t mean inaction. I think you can only “wait” if you expect something to happen. “Waiting” in line means I expect to get to the cash register at some point. “Waiting” on a friend at church indicates that I’m planning on them actually showing up. Waiting implies hope for something yet to come. Sitting around, doing and thinking nothing, isn’t waiting. If I’m not aware of or interested in something happening, then I can’t be said to be waiting for it.

Waiting is not passive. Waiting is not stoic. It is an active thing- having faith in who the Lord is and what He says He’s going to do. It encourages our hearts to keep asking, seeking, and knocking. It keeps hope alive in our hearts that there’s more to our life than what our eyes see. And God actually says that He responds with full zeal to those who will wait for Him. Waiting — the way we carry our hearts in delay — is perhaps one of the most powerful things we can do.

Interesting week. Full of victories and failures. The victory came despite me for sure. I am one who has the gift of perseverance and I do have to believe it is a gift. It is a gift or an issue that I want to finish what I begin.

This week I have been tempted in some great ways in a very cunning scheme (to which I very easily fell) to assert authority that was not really mine. Or was it? I was asked to speak but when I did apparently, I spoke harsh and unkind words and shed darkness instead of light. To be confronted with that at the end of a day of such victory is an interesting twist. I should rejoice but I can only cry tonight. I have failed and been corrected. I know it is important to receive it, ask for forgiveness and move on. How do you fail and then show back up to face your failure? Holy Spirit has to help me here because I have no one to ask this to. I understand Peter a little…yeah, my mouth is a wicked thing and I am sometimes too quick to run it….then I justify it but there really is none.

This week, I have been encouraged and criticized all for the same thing. How do you know who to trust? There being no human that has my greatest and best interest at heart I have to try here to rely on the Lord. Rejecting the criticism is a hard one for me. Make one choice and I may lose a friend. Make the other and…well, that isn’t an option.

This week, I have felt such abandonment. Don’t know what else to say about that now. I do wonder in the wilderness what Jesus felt beyond the temptations.

I am in the most confusing state I have ever been in and I mostly just want to curl up in the bed and not get up for a while. I want to be like Jesus but am so far away from looking like Him.

Interesting to note this is a week of fasting…

In a prophecy I was told to study the lives of Paul and of the early revivalists. Tonight I study Aimee Semple McPherrson. I was very touched at her feelings of loneliness…though there were great crowds of people around. I sometimes look at my life and wonder how I can know so many people and now have the ability to say “hello” and relate fairly well and have so few friends. I wonder what I am doing wrong. Even the friends I have are mostly in different stages of life so that they can’t relate to my particular struggles. It is a lonely place and some days I think I might die of it. Yet, I know I have Jesus and I cling to HIM. He is the only reason I am still here on this earth afterall. I am amazed at how He uses even my past bondages to help me through this particular place. I know how to occupy myself in these times with a couple of improvements, praise God…now instead of pacifying myself with TV, it is the Word. Instead of satisfying my pain with food it is fasting and prayer. I have faith that allows me to sit tight knowing that He has a plan for me and it will be revealed in His timing and it will be better than anything I can imagine tonight. I am reminded of that song “I’d Rather Have Jesus” and it is my heart’s cry.

I am so thankful to the dear Sister for sharing her heart Thursday about how she used to wish she was born a boy because it would easier to deal with her vision and calling as a male than a female. But then she shared how God used her as a woman minister in so many ways. He knew. I thank God for paving a way through her life and so many others. Pastor Sammy said Sunday that if you were given a vision from God you knew it. I know mine for sure…I know the leap in my belly that I feel when certain things are mentioned in passing even, but it is not a call or a vision that is accepted in my extended family at all. They are a tough crowd because they are strong in their beliefs and so knowledgeable in defending them. I don’t know the Bible as well. I only know my Master’s voice in this. I sit here tonight and say “I’d rather have Jesus” but I count the costs and wonder in the long term, can I live it? I love my family so. I pray the Holy Spirit opens their hearts and minds to some changes. I have always wanted so much not to cause them further pain in my actions. But there is that voice tugging at me always. I’d rather have Jesus and I pray that I can be found faithful.

and then there is my age….haha…. I came across this verse the other day from Colossians 4:5 -Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time. Love it.

Time definitely needs to be redeemed here….otherwise this makes no sense as I am quickly heading into the next decade.

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One day not long ago I was driving to church singing to the top of my lungs, as I am accustomed to doing, when God stopped me at a stoplight. I felt Him say to me (in my spirit), “You don’t know how close you were to dying.” I quickly said, “Yes Lord, I know.” He said, “NO!!! STOP!!! LISTEN!!! You don’t understand. You don’t know how close you were to dying and going to HELL.” It might sound odd but at that moment I could “feel” His tears because of my lack of revelation and my nonchalent attitude toward the price He paid.

See while I kind of knew this in my head, I had never really put His sacrifice of Hiimself into my heart. When it went into my heart, it ripped me open. I got it…that I was only at this stoplight, heading to church because HE had SAVED my life. He didn’t have to, but He loved me that much. I should be burning in eternal flames. I should have nails driven through my hand. I should have my flesh ripped off. It should have been me…forever thirsty and in a place I can’t even imagine. I cannot tell you how this filled me with such a mixture of sadness, gladness, joy and sorrow. I felt it deeply and I sat there in those few minutes and repented of my lack of desire to honestly and really KNOW HIM and honor Him and reverence Him. In those minutes I said, “Lord, thank you for your mercy to me! What do I do now? What today would please you Lord?” He said, “Worship ME!”

That day I went to my seat determined to worship Him with all of my heart and as I worshipped I closed my eyes to avoid those corporate distractions and when I came to my place of encounter with Him during that time, all I could do was cry. I cried as I remembered His love and the cross. I cried as all that filled my eyes was His blood – the sacrifice of it and yet the power in it. I cried when I had revelation of the abadonment from the Father that He took for me so that I would never have to feel that. I cried as I viewed the resurrection of Jesus that was even my own resurrection.

God knew where I was when He rescued me. I would be dead for eternity. I was so close to it. Instead I am alive and alive only for one purpose….to Glorify my Lord, Savior and Father. Alive to Glorify and do the works on this earth commanded by Him, even as He Himself did. It has become all I want to do. His love and His command is all that drives me to pray; all that drives me to love; all that drives me to live. I have no other purpose.

It always bothers me a bit when people try to define what is and is not praise and worship…or who is or is not praising and worshipping. I had an experience recently that I would like to share.

During the praise and worship time at my church the choir stood to sing this beautiful song and the Lord said to my spirit “open your Bible and read Psam 27.” I said, “Lord they will think I am bored or not really worshiping and it means so much to them when people get into what they are singing.” God said to me, “Who are you worshiping? You have made an idol of what they think.”

I was stunned but also convicted and knew to obey and so I took out my Bible and while they sang their praises I read this Psalm. God was pleased and He let me know that because I had an amazing time during my reading.

That day all across our church people had their own amazing times in the Lord and I know for sure that the Glory of the Lord was with us that morning. We worshipped. Some through song; some through flags; some through prayer; some through ministering to the little ones; some through reading the Word.

Anyone who observed me would assume I was bored but I was so engaged that I could do nothing except what was being asked of me. It was a beautiful time for me and something I hope I never forget. I have heard it said that annointing invigorates but the Glory of God incapacitates. That is how I felt that day. I believe true worship and the highest worship is obedience to whatever God asks.

I love the Word of God. Here is what He asked me to read that day- Psalm 27:

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked came against me To eat up my flesh, My enemies and foes, They stumbled and fell.

3 Though an army may encamp against me, My heart shall not fear; Though war may rise against me, In this I will be confident.

4 One thing I have desired of the LORD, That will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD All the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD, And to inquire in His temple.

5 For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; In the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock.

6 And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me; Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.

7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice! Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

8 When You said, “Seek My face,” My heart said to You, “Your face, LORD, I will seek.”

9 Do not hide Your face from me; Do not turn Your servant away in anger; You have been my help; Do not leave me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation.

10 When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me.

11 Teach me Your way, O LORD, And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.

12 Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence.

13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.

14 Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Matthew 10:7-8 And as ye go, preach, saying, The kingdom of heaven is at hand. Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give.

Keep being brought back to this. His instructions for ministering. So much said here in so few words. What to do- how to do it – why to do it – even exactly what to say. hmm..wonder what would happen if in obedience I just GO and drop all the instruction I have received from this book or that book and only use His instructions and don’t add to or take away from them. Just wonder…

His promises to me:

– He promised to restore my family. To me that includes not only their salvation but a restoration in health, finances and everything else the enemy has stolen.

– He promised that He would supply so I can be released into His calling for my life.

– Fruit; a great harvest. “If you go after those that no one wants; I will give you those that everyone wants.”

– He promised that He would walk with me and together we would live out Matthew 10:8, Luke 4:18 and Acts 10:38 in this generation as even His Son asked that I do.

My audacious prayers:

– I ask for an enlarged heart. A heart truly like Yours, Lord. I want to walk out compassion and faith

– I ask for increased understanding of Your Word. Much has been revealed. I am asking for a download.

– I ask for a love of Your Word and prayer back into the hearts of so many in Your Body.

– I ask for unquenchable hunger and intimacy with , You my Father. I ask that I sit so closely to and in such harmony with the Holy Spirit that all my questions can flow out and His answers can flow in. I have so many questions. Let my hunger only increase.

– I ask for the nations, including my own nation. I ask for souls. Thousands.

– I want to go to Africa. I want to study with Heidi Baker on a short-term basis to bring back what God has arranged for me there. I want to live for those weeks/months in a place where faith and the supernatural are normal. Where blind eyes see; the dead are raised; people are healed, delivered through the prayers and laying on of hands…of the smallest child; of me. Wow but this is a hearts desire and I can’t shake it. I ask that it happen Lord.

– I ask for courage and extreme boldness. I ask for incredible, increased measures of faith.

– I ask for visions, dreams, revelation…opportunity and open doors.

– I ask that for 10-10-10 we double even our visions on everything Lord….the attendance, the salvations, the offerings. I pray that we worship in unity and it is truly as a family reunion.

Honestly, they don’t seem all that audacious. He is a BIG GOD!!! How about millions of souls.

and I was just thinking…raising the dead is extraordinary in our eyes, but Jesus didn’t say it was.

I am going through a transition time. Right now I feel like I am in a funnel, being poured from one vessel into another vessel (Jer. 48:11-12). I know God desires to change me…as I swirl from one place toward another. This is not the most comfortable place and I find myself out of sync with many of those dear to my heart and out of sync with much of what is going on around me. It is a time of isolation. Friends seem to have drawn back and away. I admittedly have such a new focus. The things that excite me now aren’t fully understood and some are confused by my direction. I am said to be too intense; too single minded; too zealous, etc… It is perhaps all true. Was this a choice? I want to say I didn’t choose it, but I both did and didn’t.

I believe every now and then, Jesus opens the veil and if we so desire we can to peer into His eyes for a very brief moment. Seeing what He has revealed of Himself and His love has had a profound impact on me spiritually and it has thrust me forward into this focus and transition. It seems unstoppable. There is no use fighting the transition because I have seen the promises and they far outweigh the losses….in the end (but let’s be honest, it doesn’t flip a switch and make it all that pleasant in the present. It is just a choice to focus on the promises and sometimes I do make the right choice).

I wonder is this necessary to be who God is calling me to be in this next season? I wonder if things ever strike a balance again…or would I even want them to? I want to be one that flows through this transition from one vessel to the next vessel as graceful as possible. I mostly feel awkward and strange and I do not know what to do but the Lord reminds me of Isaiah 40:28-31. It is a scripture that gives understanding on how to make a transition in a graceful way.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. 29 He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. 30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, 31 But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

The Everlasting God, our Lord Jesus Christ, says to wait. That’s it! Just wait. So no matter how ungracefully I swirl around in this funnel I will just keep on keeping on. I will wait and if I do He says a renewed strength will be given. He says I will run and not get worn out and my daily walk with Him will be invigorated.

I believe I will be transformed until I am to the point I flow into the new vessel a bit more gracefully and when that happens, I will be fresh and ready for the new wine of the Holy Spirit and the adventures God has planned. I believe that many that aren’t getting me right now will be joining me in this funnel soon. Once you start down the funnel, you may not be so graceful at first either and you probably won’t mind at all being called a zealot : )

I find it interesting and perhaps important to return to words spoken by those I believe are truly prophets. Those that have been checked and proven to hear over time. This was a direct word to me from one such man of God. I didn’t even remember writing this down but I did after I came home from the Fresh Fire service with Sister Cynthia Aidoo on 4/8/2010. I saved it in my “Mail waiting to be sent” file and honestly after a while I forgot about it. I don’t know why it just popped up on my screen. These are the words spoken as her husband from Nigeria took my hands that evening. I am not sure why I wrote this out like I did….kind of like a poem or something. Strange but interesting to see and revisit. Strengthens and encourages me tonight.

Holy Spirit

Yes Holy Spirit

Yes Holy Spirit

feasting at the table

huge feast

time for the feast

He alone will satisfy

extremely blessed

mother, extremely blessed

anointed

anointed to stand

anointed for service

enemy is trying to take you out of picture

blood of Jesus over your life and ministry

things coming against

you will stand alone but He will be with you

he alone will satisfy you

hallelujah

set apart and alone stand alone

arise arise