Posted in Journal

Seek HIM First!!

Last week I wrote these words in an email to someone….

“… I am going to a Morningstar conference this week…not to be fed although I might be in some way. I am going mostly because I support Heidi Baker and the work that she does through Iris Ministries and I want nothing more than to go and minister with her in Mozambique for a month, hopefully soon. God put this ministry on my heart…I don’t know why but He definitely did it to the point that it has become one of the desires of my heart. He in bringing Heidi to Charlotte and so I go. I will hear her message and see what God is doing there and in my life. Will I be fed? Probably God will feed me in a more unexpected way but I don’t know. God is God and He can do what He wants. I know this, God has set this one up so I am just going to sit back and see what He does.”

well this is what God did…

Very first minute of the conference this cute little girl comes to me excited because her name is also Melissa. She asks me “of all those that are speaking this weekend who do you most want to hear from?” Without hesitation I said, “Heidi Baker!!!” Oh! Heart revealed!! as those words escaped my heart and rolled off my tongue. I immediately came under conviction, but too late. HE IS A JEALOUS GOD! Had my heart been where God wants it, I would have wanted to hear from Him. Too late! Couldn’t take back those words no matter how much I wanted to. No use even trying. I felt almost sick and I am pretty sure I felt His heartache. The musicians started singing a song that said God doesn’t get disappointed in you. Was this true? Sure felt like disappointment. I had failed and repentance was my only option and I did repent and I cried out to a God that is so merciful to me and yet I knew that sometimes there is just a price. Too hard on myself? I’m not convinced.

In the excerpt above I said that God would probably feed me in a more unexpected way. Was I being fed through discipline? If so, this wasn’t the cozy comfort meal I thought I was going to get. From that first moment and then all weekend God spoke about setting up idols. Idols in people like Heidi Baker and idols also in the things going on around me. Although the seeking for “more” may be great, I heard Him say to check myself in things going on around me during this conference…things such as prophecy and miracles and healing; things such as the books I buy and read and even the worship music. I felt God say things may be good and even be of Him, but for me not to make the same mistake twice….”seek Me first in all things” and I remembered Pastor Sammy’s teaching that some of these things are signs following after and I understood that even the music, which we many times say leads us into worship, can only lead as it follows a heart that is in the right place of seeking Him first.

Heidi Baker never came. Because of schedule conflicts her time of ministry was changed to a conference for this upcoming week. Right or wrong, Morningstar never told this until the very end. But as God dealt with my heart, I knew somewhere deep within and even beyond understanding in a way I can write about.

Very early yesterday morning I left the conference. I was confused and feeling very much “put in my place.” Honestly, I was also disappointed and empty and sad and almost desperate. My experience was not at all the refreshment I sought so I am left to wonder at what the Lord is doing. I know in my mind that the Father’s discipline and His love cannot be separated and I do so want to know His love in my heart. I have the option to go to some of the night services over the next couple of days to see Heidi Baker and hear her message on God’s love. I will opt out for reasons that have nothing to do with any offense or even disappointment and continue with my regular life and work schedule. Somehow I feel I have already heard what Heidi will say at the conference and would even say to me if I could speak to her one on one, SEEK HIM FIRST!!!! and here I have heard it from God Himself.

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