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A Sock in the Gut

There is a difference between going because you want to go and going because you are needed there. ~ A friend

Well, I have faced just about every emotion I can face over this last week from extreme joy to excruciating loneliness to overwhelming sadness to being just plain mad.

This time last year I was offered the opportunity to go to Tanzania, and I felt led of the Lord to go. What an excellent time. Not just the going but in the preparation. I was stretched so far outside my box in ministry, emotionally and relationally…. but having such a task helped me to stay so focused on the Lord and my task that my eyes were nowhere else.

This year I have been offered the same opportunity, and I thought my commitment would be for the most part a financial decision. Then as it turns out financially, I could likely make it work out even without donations. BUT….for some reason I felt no PEACE. UGH! I wish I did. I have sought the Lord and sought the Lord because commitment has to be made whether it be to accept or decline.

I have not exactly heard an audible voice, but yesterday at the radio this thought came to mind. Maybe I already know deep down in my spirit but since it is not what I want to hear I keep going back for other answers. Like the lawyer I talked about on the broadcast who asked Jesus a question and then went further to justify himself. Jesus turned His teaching on the lawyer, and I thought He was doing the same to me there. Was that His voice? Still, I kept seeking the Lord.

Then I was talking with a friend and co-worker, and out of the blue he brought up TZ and asked if I was going back. I told him of the questions I had and that I didn’t want to be out of the will of God. He stopped and thought for a minute and then said this, There is a difference between going because you want to go and going because you are needed there. Whoa! That hit me in the gut. Hard to think that you are not needed, everybody wants to be. I think at least for this time and this trip, I am not. So the emotions have flowed – sad and mad, and for some strange reason more loneliness. God tried to use the still small voice, but it took a sock in the gut for me.

Probably I should count it all joy even if I don’t feel joyful. Sometimes I wonder why God gave me such a huge desire to go places and do specific types of things when there seem so few doors that He will allow or doors with a need for me. What is the point? Oh, I know there is one and He will show me in time. Help me Lord in the waiting!

I still haven’t written the decline, but I know now I will.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6