I seem to have a recurring conversation with God that goes something like this: What can one woman at my age and my life stage even do? That conversation tends to expose some of the many issues of my heart. It exposes the fears I still harbor. These fears try to stop me in my tracks and hinder me from walking out the dreams of my Father for me.
As a wife and mother, I am afraid for the upheaval of our lives. That I will do something to destroy rather than build up our home. As an individual, I am afraid of the loss of “security.” That I would lose part of a business I have obsessively worked to build in search of a life that mattered. I have built an entire business around trying to make my father’s death a death that somehow and for someone wasn’t in vain. And, perhaps the most powerful fear of all, as a servant and daughter, I am afraid that I actually have nothing to really offer, and thus, I will be exposed. That I will learn that I should have sat quietly and left it to the men, afterall….or at least to those that are more (more youthful, more mature, more prepared, more creative, more talented, more intelligent, more holy, more…)
These are the areas of inner turmoil, the chinks in my armor that open channels for prayer. Prayer changes things. However, always before I leave my knees, I know this particular conversation is in many ways futile because I am still going. Wherever I am led and NEVERTHELESS. I know it is a choice but I seem to be in a place that is past choices. God assures me in these moments that the very things I am so afraid will destroy or expose are exactly what He will use to build, strengthen and heal…for His glory!
And so I get up once again from prayer time determined again to leave forever those fears that actually do expose that my own plans and hopes and ideas aren’t quite dead. Did fears and flesh take a deathly blow today? I pray so.
Another step closer…I press on!